today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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