Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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