Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
