Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
As shirtless as possible
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
