Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
