apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
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Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
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Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize