Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
This baby is an asshole
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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