the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
