Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
