i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
