can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
