Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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