If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
