just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
