apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
We named our party play list daddy issues
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
