i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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