I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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