If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
