I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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