We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
