so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
