I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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