If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
