I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he thought i was a dude.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
