Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I think people are normalizing furries
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
