Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
