I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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