a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Randomize
