Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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