Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I supernannyed him into submission
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
