I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
