you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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