is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
