I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
