I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
