Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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