I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
