are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
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Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
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Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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