i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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