If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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