i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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