I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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