Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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