My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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