a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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