You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
so much tequila, so little girl.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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