My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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