dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Randomize
