we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I smell stomach acid.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
