Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
