I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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