Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
