The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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