I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
