party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
she looked like the before picture.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
