I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
