I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
When did angry sex become our thing?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
